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I Will Need to Wait

Of course the biopsy came back malignant. That was not a surprise. I have moments of acceptance, moments of denial and moments of extreme fear.

I just don’t want to leave my kids. I really want to see how their stories develop. Plus, I don’t want to leave them with such grief for so much of their lives. We are so close my kids and me. We are tied at the hearts. We are the closest of friends and confidants. We cry and laugh together. We lean on each other. I am their center of gravity. Just like my mom was mine. (I borrowed that line… center of gravity… from my sister, Carrie’s, Poem of my mom).

I also want to live this part of my life. I would like to experience the 50’s and 60’s. The 50’s feel so much better than the 40’s or 30’s. My mom always said the 60’s were the best. I would like to have those decades. To have more freedom and security but also more awareness of who I am and how I fit into the whole thing called life.

I want to be sure to kick this cancer to the curb but it scares me that it came back after 10 years. T.E.N. years. Jesus. I’m afraid it’s out to get me.

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