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Control. I’ve got none.

That pretty much sums up 2020, right? Nobody has any fucking control. I’m an expert in control. First and foremost, I’m a control freak. Secondly, and more importantly I’ve had to give up control of just about fucking everything.

My husband lives with terminal cancer that is somehow slowed by this crazy experimental treatment we did 16 years ago. However, all that time we had no idea if it would work, exactly for how long it would work and when the cancer growth would speed up again. This has been a massive lesson in giving up control.

And I’m a parent with a daughter who challenged every single thing I believed about children and parenting. She has been my biggest teacher. As a parent all I want for my kids is happiness. I remember being asked what I wanted for my kids and I said, “I’d like them to be kind and happy”. Because what else really matters. (nothing!) I would give my life for my kid’s happiness and there is NOTHING I can say, do, or buy that will create that. It’s completely up to them. (I know I could screw it up and make finding happiness a lot harder for them, which I’m sure I’ve done to some extent, but I’ve tried not to.)

So, yeah, when my kids suffer so do I. It’s okay. I think it’s even good. I hurt when people I love hurt. That’s human. What’s not okay is believing I have any fucking control or say in the matter. I don’t. Just like I have no say in so many things.

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